Are We There Yet?
by Da Silver Hair Duchess
Summary: [One Shot.] A pregnant Kairi's in labor. Riku and Sora need directions to a hospital. They end up getting more than they bargained for. Rated T for language, subject matter, and the spleen condition you may contract from laughing so hard.


**Silver-hair Angel**: Our first story! Awesome!

**DaDuchess**: Well, together at least.

**Silver-hair Angel**: Well, be nice. If you like it, review, if you don't…

**DaDuchess**: BURN IN HELL! (laughs evilly) I mean, please direct your attention to another story.

**Silver-hair Angel**: Yes, but you'll probably end up burning in hell anyway. Enjoy the story anyhow!

**DaDuchess**: Kupo!

**Warning**: This story is rated T for language, subject matter, and the spleen condition you may contract from laughing too hard.

**Disclaimer**: Da Silver hair Duchess owns nothing Kingdom Hearts-related. We tried suing Tetsuya Normura for ownership. We failed.

* * *

_Are We There Yet?_

_By Da Silver hair Duchess_

It started out as a simple, ordinary day. As usual, the trio relaxed at Riku's cozy apartment. Even though within the last year Kairi had gotten pregnant, nothing really changed between the three during the course of the pregnancy. It was just the setback of Kairi not being able to do anything strenuous. Did that prevent them from having fun? Of course not!

On this simple, ordinary day Riku and Sora amused themselves with a game of spades in the kitchen while Kairi took a shower. She insisted on it, and who was Sora or Riku to protest? Not to mention she sounded like a screeching hawk when she was upset… so they let her have her way.

"Ha!" Riku cried triumphantly as he laid down his final card, flushing Sora out. Having had a bit of a losing streak, Sora got a bit angry and started to pout.

"Alright, best five out of ten!"

"Sora, I'm beating you twenty to zero…"

"Maybe twenty-one's my lucky number!" Sora said hopefully.

Riku shook his head and shuffled the cards. And then--

"_AAHHHHHHHH!_"

Riku dropped the cards as the two flew up the stairs and barged into the bathroom. There, they found Kairi sitting on the edge of the tub, towel wrapped around her, staring white-faced into the tub.

Riku and Sora inched closer to her.

"What, what happened?" Riku demanded. Kairi pointed inside of the tub. Riku leaned forward to find liquid brown water staining the white tub.

"My water broke," Kairi said shocked.

"How can you tell? You're in the shower! Water's everywhere," Sora chimed in. Kairi glared at him fiercely.

"Does usual tap water run brown?" she said through clenched teeth.

Apparently the message wasn't sinking in.

Sora gasped and said, "Ah man, the pipes burst?"

"_NO, I'M GOING INTO LABOR_!"

"What kind?" Sora asked stupidly. "Hard or manual?"

"_AHHHH_!" she screamed. "_I'M GOING TO HAVE THE FREAKING BABY_!"

"Oh!" Sora said, at last comprehending the situation. A split second later, his face was of utter horror. "Oh! _OH_! _OH_! _OHHHHHH_!"

"Oh, that labor," Riku said. After a second, his reaction was quite like Sora's.

"_WHAT! OH HELL NO! NOT HERE, NOT NOW_!"

"Yes, here and now!" Kairi bellowed.

"_WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TELLING PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO POP BABIES OUT IN THEIR BATHTUBS_!"

Kairi tightly clenched her fist and hit Riku over the head.

"_IF I COULD I'D_..." Kairi started.

Before she could finish her statement, Sora had already scooped her up in his arms. She stared up at him in shock. She hadn't even seen him move towards her. To be honest, she didn't even think Sora could support her weight. He turned around and headed out the bathroom door and downstairs. Riku, however, stood in the bathroom for a momentand crossed his arms. Casually, he walked in his room and over to his chest of drawers. He picked a drawer and opened it slightly. His eyes wandered through the drawer until he found what he was looking for. He pulled out a large gray item in which he placed under his arm. He walked out the room and stood at the top of the stairs in time to see his friend running back up the stairs with an annoyed Kairi in still in his arms. Sora was clearly struggling to stay steady on his feet.

"She needs clothes on, doesn't she?" Sora asked Riku with a bashful smile.

"_YOU THINK I'M GONNA GO IN PUBLIC WITH A TOWEL ON_!" Kairi exclaimed.

"I would think so," Riku laughs and tossed Sora the object that was resting on his shoulder. "Here. Put this on her."

Kairi held up the item and found that it was a large gray shirt with a low cut collar. Sora put Kairi down and she threw the shirt on quickly, letting the towel drop.

"Ok, _NOW_ we can go." Riku smiles.

Sora snatched Kairi up again and headed downstairs, Riku right on his tail.

They made a beeline for Riku's car, which was conveniently for the situation, parked right outside of the apartment. Riku slid in on the driver's side while Sora gently placed Kairi in the passenger's side. Already she had begun to sweat and she was clutching her stomach hard.

"_HURRY_!" she moaned. Sora didn't need telling twice; he scrambled to the backseat. Riku jammed the key into the ignition and sped off.

"Right… now where's the hospital?" Riku asked. Kairi groaned in pain and braced her feet on the glove compartment.

"_I DON'T KNOW, JUST GET THERE_!"

"Sora, please tell me you know!" Riku begged.

"Okay, I know," Sora said, looking utterly dumbfounded.

Riku breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good, where?"

The long silence should have been the first indication. "I dunno," Sora finally said with a shrug. A grimace spread over Riku's face.

"I thought you said that you knew!"

"But, you wanted me to tell you that I know," Sora said after a slight pause.

"Because I was hoping that you knew!" Riku said through clenched teeth.

"Then why make me tell you when I _don't_ know?" Sora asked exasperated. Kairi snarled and pushed back in her seat with desperation.

"Riku, you'd better get to the hospital, _NOW_!"

Riku pressed on the gas harder, not going in any particular direction, but just trying to make it appear as though he was going somewhere. After fifteen miles and swear words from Kairi later, Riku had no other choice but to pull along the side of the highway.

"We need help!" Riku cried.

"No, we need earmuffs," Sora said, sticking a finger in his ear after suffering through Kairi screeching.

"_I NEED TO GET TO THE DAMN HOSPITAL_!" Kairi thundered, writhing in her seat with pain. "_SOMEBODY BETTER GET ME THERE_!"

And just their luck, a man clad in a navy blue uniform with dangerously long silver hair strolled up to the passenger's side, examining all in the car.

"Please, sir, can you help us please?" Riku pleaded as he leaned over Kairi. "We have to get to the hos--"

"What do we have here?" The man said with an authoritative air.

Riku blurted out their names in one breath. Obviously, they weren't in too much trouble, or the man wouldn't have smiled.

"No, I mean the car!" The man said, laughing. "Wow, this is a nice Lexus model!"

Riku gave the man a look, then sprung his question.

"Okay…Do you know where the hospital is?" The man nodded.

"Sure I do!"

Riku exhaled. Finally they were going to be steered in the right direction.

Pointing, the man told Riku the instructions.

"See, you take a right and get off at that intersection thing, then make a left until you get to a street with a tire place on it, then go straight until you see a boulevard with some restaurants on it, and you're there!"

Both Riku and Sora stared open-mouthed at the man.

"It's like he's trying to talk to us, Riku!" Sora said after a while. "Only, he's not, like, _talking_ to us!"

"_AHHH, HOSPITAL, NOW_!" Kairi bellowed, bucking up in her seat. Riku became panicky now. The man knew, the way to the hospital, right? What would be the harm in taking him along?

"Sir, uh, do you think you can just get in the car and direct us?"

"Don't mind if I do," he said. He hopped in the backseat along with Sora.

"I'm Sephiroth, by the way," he announced as Riku pulled off of the side of the road and sped away.

"Yeah, thanks!" Riku said with a rush of gratitude towards him. "That's Sora, I'm Riku, she's Kairi."

"Great!" Sephiroth said cheerily.

"Okay. Where's the hospital?" Riku asked, rapidly approaching an exit.

"Wait, first, can we make a teeny stop?"

Riku cast a sideways glance at Kairi. Obviously, Kairi had been taking Lamaze classes lightly. Her breathing wasn't at all what it should have been.

"_A STOP_!" Kairi screeched. "_OH SURE, GO AHEAD! I'LL JUST PUT THE GIVING BIRTH THING ON HOLD_!"

It wouldn't hurt… after all, they owed this man a huge favor.

"Okay, but it has to be quick!"

"Oh, no problem!"

Sephiroth directed Riku off of the highway to a small dry cleaning shop. Riku pulled into the drive-through.

"Uh, first name Sephiroth. I'm here to pick up my clothes?" he told the lady, all the while flattening Sora in his seat.

"_Dude_!" Sora said, voice muffled. "_More mon my mead_!"

The attendant popped out through the window a few minutes later, handing Sephiroth a plastic bag. Sephiroth took the bag, inspected it, and then handed back.

"I don't think that's mines… can you keep searching?"

"_UGH, HURRY UP_!" Kairi trilled. Riku's leg began to shake. While he wanted to curse the man straight to Hades, doing so could chase the man off and with him gone, it was a slim chance they would find the hospital in time.

"It's Sephiroth, right?" Riku said in an overly nice tone of voice. "Do you think that this can wait?"

"Wait, hold on," Sephiroth said as the attendant brought outthe samebag with the same contents. Once again, Sephiroth declined it.

"What, don't you people know how to run a dry cleaning shop? I haven't gotten the right articles of clothing yet!"

"Sir, this has your name on it," the lady said grouchily.

"Do you know how many other gentlemen with the name Sephiroth could have deposited their laundry here?"

"_None_," hissed the lady. Highly affronted, Sephiroth jutted his face out of the car window, crushing Sora even more with his weight.

"What do they pay you for? Obviously not enough for you to go get a face lift! Better yet,a fork lift!"

Kairi groped around for Sephiroth's shirt and yanked on it hard.

"_HOSPITAL, NOW_!"

"Just take the laundry, please!" Riku exclaimed.

"_MY MAN'T MEATHE_!" Sora mumbled underneath Sephiroth. The attendant threw the bag of laundry in Sephiroth's face and retreated.

"Well, how rude!" Sephiroth exclaimed.

Kairi was already three shades past magenta. Clutching her stomach hard, feet propped up against the dashboard, she began to howl. "Okay, now we really need to get to the hospital!" Riku said with a touch of agitation, not really wanting a kid to come into this world in one bloody mess in his car.

"Right, Ralph."

"_Riku_," he corrected.

"_MET MOFF_!" Sora cried, still suffocating under the weight of Sephiroth.

"Oh, sorry Sam!" Sephiroth apologized as he raised off of Sora. He massaged his neck.

"It's _Sora_!"

"Okay, turn to the left Ryan!"

Ignoring Sephiroth's calling him by the wrong name, Riku did as he was told.

"Right there!" Sephiroth cried, pointing to something that obviously wasn't a hospital.

"Dude, that's a Burger King," Sora pointed out.

"I know! Hey, I need something to eat!"

"We can't stop at a Burger King!" Sora gasped.

"Exactly!" Riku chimed in, glad he wasn't the only one that hasn't lost his reason.

"Yeah, McDonalds is totally better!" Sora exclaimed angrily, causing Riku's mouth to drop. He turned around fully in his seat to glare at Sora.

"Sora, I can't believe that you're even entertaining the idea of getting food when Kairi's about to have a baby!"

"And besides," Sephiroth added, "McDonalds is too far away!"

Sora pouted. Riku gritted his teeth.

A sign when Riku was truly agrivated was his eye twitching, and Riku's eye now twitched uncontrollably. "She's in labor and you want to stuff your face!"

Sephiroth snorted and rolled down the window, once again climbing atop of Sora to do so. "It won't take long, I assure you!"

"Welcome to Burger King, may I help you?" came the chipper voice of a young woman.

"Yeah I'll have a..."

"_CAN'T BREATH_...!"

"I'm sorry, sir, that's not on the menu..."

"No, no, I'll have a double whopper, cut in half, large onion rings, chocolate banana shake--"

"_THE BABY_… _THE BABY_," Kairi hissed, thrashing about even wilder.

"Oh, okay. And, uh, a kid's meal for the kid--"

"_I'LL KILL HIM_!" Kairi said venomously, clutching for Sephiroth. With a bit of difficulty, Riku was able to hold her off. Sephiroth couldn't have been anymore oblivious.

"You guys want anything else?" he asked.

"Yeah, we want--" Riku began, but Sora cut across him.

"Chicken fries!"

Riku was seriously contemplating decking the both of them.

"Anything else, sir?"

"No, that's it!" Sephiroth rang happily.

"Your total is… 18.25. Drive to the next window, please!"

"Robert, my man--"

"_IT'S RIKU_!"

"--Right. You've got the money, right?"

"_MONEY_!" Riku shouted, turning in the seat to face Sephiroth.

"_OHHHHHH, I'LL PAY, I'LL PAY! JUST GET OFF ME_!"

Sephiroth climbed off Sora and flashed asmile at him while Sora reached in his pocket and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill.

"You have to like, drive to the window, Rinshu."

"You goddamn..."

"_JUST DRIVE_!" Kairi growled clutching Riku's sleeve.

Riku sucked his teeth soundly and turned around in the seat, but not before giving Sephiroth a poisonous look. As they drove up to the first window, a young blonde leaned out the window to accept the money.

"That'll be 18.25 please."

Just as Sora was handing the girl the money, Sephiroth jumped over him to the window and grabbed the twenty-dollar bill from his twitching palm. He reached out the window, smiling sweetly at the girl.

"Here you are, Miss."

"Thank you sir, and you change is..."

"Keep the change for yourself, beautiful..."

"_WHAT_!"

Flushing a pale pink, the girl replied while reaching to take the bill, "Why, thank you sir!"

"But--But," Sora stammered, watching his precious bill leave from Sephiroth's hand. As soon as the attendant had a hold of the money, Riku pressed down on the gas and sped off. Kairi's condition was extremely bad now. Staying in one spot was all but impossible. One of her legs even flew in front of Riku's face.

"Okay, we need to get to the hospital… now!"

"That was my money!" Sora whined.

"And that was an extremely beautiful lady," Sephiroth sighed, a throbbing vein flaring up in his forehead. "Must… get… number!"

"_NO, NO NUMBERS_! _HOSPITAL_!" Riku cried desperately as Kairi nearly decapitated him with her flailing legs. "Tell me where it is!"

"Oh, but," Sephiroth began in a saddened voice. Longingly he lookedout of the window."Wal-Mart is right across the street… I don't know the last time I'll get to visit it."

Riku's eye twitched even harder. "Wal-Mart…? Are you kidding me? Are you seriously kidding me?"

"Pretty please?" Sephiroth said meekly.

With a bit much force than was needed, Riku zoomed across the street and into the Wal-Mart parking lot, sliding the car into an available slot.

"Fine, hurry up!" Riku spat at him.

"But… I don't want to go alone."

"Fine, I'll go with him," Sora volunteered. Still, Sephiroth was displeased.

"But I don't think two people will be enough…"

Sighing in exasperation, Riku flung open the driver's door and climbed out.

"I'm coming too! Are you happy now?"

"_YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME IN HERE_!" Kairi wailed, eyes flashing dangerously. "_DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME_!"

"Kairi, don't be stupid," he said, snapping at her. "How can we possibly carry you into Wal-Mart?"

With many hurried apologizes and excuses, the four of them zoomed down the long aisles of Wal-Mart with Kairi snuggled into a shopping cart.

"_GOD, HURRY_!" Kairi moaned, bucking up and down.

"Okay, calm down!" Riku pleaded, trying to push the cart as fast down the aisles as possible. "Sephiroth, I sure hope that whatever you're looking for is down here!"

"Yeah, if it wasn't in the other thirty aisles we checked, why shouldn't it be down here?" Sora muttered, dripping with sarcasm.

Keeping a steady sprint, Sephiroth wandered upon the "Hair-care Products" aisle.

"Ah-ha!" Sephiroth said triumphantly. "I've found what I've been looking for!"

"Thank god," Riku said, exhaling.

"Only," Sephiroth began disappointedly. "Oh, no…"

"What, _what_?" Riku whined.

"They have 'Platinum Pearls' hair dye. I need 'Silver Symphony.'"

The cart rocked with Kairi's tossing about.

"_DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED TO GET THIS THING OUT FROM BETWEEN MY LEGS_!"

A few customers tossed them dirty looks as they strolled away. To the very brink of frustration, Riku yanked on Sephiroth's collar and dragged him away, leaving Sora to push Kairi along in the cart.

The only available line, line 27, was completely congested with people.

"Guess we'll have to wait."

"The hell we will!" Riku shouted and began to push, nudge, and kick people out of the way, receiving reproachful looks from the customers, but not being physically touched. The service clerk gave him an extremely nasty look.

"I need to pay for this," Riku said, slamming the dye down in front of her. Turning her nose up at him, she rung up the item.

"That'll be 19.50."

A few mutters from Sora and another twenty-dollar bill later, they managed to make it back in the car in one piece.

"Listen to me," Riku said dangerously. "No more Burger King, Wal-Mart, anything! If it has nothing to do with the hospital, _WE ARE NOT GOING! NOW WHERE IS IT_!"

Swelling with indignation, Sephiroth crossed his arms.

"Fine. If you need to go to the hospital so bad, it's right around the corner."

Thoughts of strangling Sephiroth started to gnaw at Riku's imagination. His eye twitched more violently now.

"_UGH, RIKU, HURRY_!" Kairi cried. Putting the strangling idea on hold, Riku swung the car out of Wal-Mart and sped down to where the hospital stood.

Cradling Kairi in their arms, Sora and Riku dashed to the front desk where a nurse sat, typing on her computer. Sephiroth trailed.

"Please, miss," Riku panted. "My friend is about to give birth. We need a doctor!"

Sora began to sag under Kairi's weight.

"Can't… hold… her… much… longer!"

"Right away, sir!" she boomed, and rushed off to fetch a doctor. Entering with a stretcher, two gentlemen lifted Kairi out of Sora and Riku's arms and whisked her away into an elevator.

"Let's go!" Riku said, racing after them.

A couple of hours later filled with Kairi screams and doctor's orders, the baby was finally churned out.

"Here we go!" the nurse cooed, passing the baby into Kairi's arms. Sweaty-faced, and thoroughly tired, Kairi managed to pull off a smile.

"She's so cute," she breathed lovingly. "Oh, I want Sora and Riku to see!"

A nurse by the door exited the room and led the three gentlemen in.

Sora and Riku beamed at first sight of the baby and moved to the sides of the bed for a closer look. The only one who wasn't smiling was Sephiroth, who with an aghast look on his face blurted out, "Jesus Christ, she was _PREGNANT_!"


End file.
